Wednesday, August 1, 2012

In Good Times and Bad...

Honestly, it’s been a pretty good week for me this week in terms of coping.  I've been feeling pretty upbeat and positive, and I've really been enjoying the company of my boys. 

Luke and Leo are pretty active in there.  Leo is on my left side and Luke is on my right.  Its interesting to observe and experience each of their movement routines, and they seem to have their own little personalities, at least I like to think so.

Luke is my little athlete.  He kicks MUCH harder than his brother, and I often can watch the right side of my belly bounce as he practices his gymnastics.  His legs usually kick me right below my ribs, and he even punches me a bit too.  It's strange to think that there is anything wrong with him at all judging by how active he is, but I'm trying to treasure every little moment I have with him, even at 12:00 am when he's literally bouncing off the walls of my uterus.  It's a little more challenging  to appreciate it at that hour, but as long as I feel him, I know he's there, and that gives me comfort.

Leo is also quite the mover, but there is something a little more playful about his movements.  He will usually react when I poke him a little quicker than Luke will.  He moves a lot, but with less force than Luke.  As silly as it sounds, he reminds me of Scott, but with a little more attitude.  He's gentle like his daddy, but opinionated and a bit spunky like his mom. 

One of my favorite moments of the day is when I feel Leo roll to right side and squish up as close to Luke as he can get, and I swear I can feel them trying to interact with each other.  I'm not sure how much they actually comprehend each other’s presence since they each have their own placenta's, but I can't help but get the feeling that they are aware of each other through the membrane that separates them.  As uncomfortable as it is for me, it’s pretty neat to feel it happening. 

This pregnancy is quite uncomfortable, and there are days where I just don't know how much longer I can stand it.  But then I feel my boys move.  I try to close my eyes, place my hands on my belly, and enjoy feeling them both while I can.  Through the muscle pain, sciatica, Braxton hicks, heartburn and other unpleasant symptoms, at least I know I have two tiny little spirits growing inside me.  They are there when I feel lonely during the day and I have no one to talk to while I work from home.  They hear me laugh, cry and complain.  They feel me toss and turn at night, and rock them to sleep as I waddle about the house trying to do chores.  My boys are always there with me, they are my constant companions. 

As much as I look forward to holding them both in my arms, the day of their birth is rather frightening.  For now I have them both, and the knowledge that once they leave my body I will only be left with one leaves me feeling quite nervous and panicked.

Will I have the strength to endure the inevitable?  Will Leo notice the absence of his brother?  Will I be able to be the tender mother he needs?  Will my love be enough to comfort him, and will my touch be able to replace that of his twin?

For now though, they are both mine.  I will treasure and savor that as long as I can. 

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