My Purpose

I have decided to start this blog to document my families unique journey.  Scott and I have a 3 year old daughter, Claire, and we are expecting twin boys, which we have already named Luke and Leo.  Leo is expected to be a healthy baby.  Luke, however is not expected to survive very long after birth, he has a condition called Holoprosesencephaly (HPE)

Obviously this news has been very difficult for our family.  We are faced with preparing to welcome a new life into the world, while also preparing to let another one go.  We must find the perfect balance between joy and grief, at the same time.

I want this to be an honest glimpse into my feelings as I go through the process of preparing to meet my boys.  This will be a very raw and intimate view into my feelings about this process, and I hope it will help me cope, and maybe help other who may be going something similar to understand that they are not alone.

I only ask this - my entries are merely expressive.  I am not necessarily looking for feedback or advice unless I specifically ask for it.

Scott and I have gone though a few of the stages of grief already.  Denial, acceptance, sadness....overall I think we have been coping pretty well.  We can still laugh with each other, play with our daughter, and our life is moving forward.  We have our good days and our bad days. We watch our favorite TV shows together, hold hands, tell each other we love each other, tell dirty jokes, and we hug.  We hug A LOT. Sometimes we cry.  Scott's better at that than I am.  I would rather pull out my own teeth then physically CRY in front of anyone, but I'm working on that.  Usually I have my good cries in the shower where no one can hear.  But they are starting to sneak up on me outside of the bathroom, much to my dismay :)

The last few days have been bad days for me in particular.  I'm in my 25th week of pregnancy with the boys, and I am pretty uncomfortable.  My stomach muscles are stretching out, its hurts my belly to stand for long periods of time, I have sciatica....the list goes on and on.  These are all very annoying things.  Along with this I am starting to enter a new stage of grief.  Anger.  I haven't had this yet.  I have been moving forward with a smile, expressing my thanks for everyone's support and love (which has been awesome) and declaring how lucky we are in spite of what’s going on with us right now.  And in reality, we are lucky. We have a lovely little girl, a happy marriage, and most likely we will still be able to bring home little Leo, which is a great deal more than most parents who have children with HPE can say.

However, as I get closer to the end of my pregnancy, the reality is starting to set in.  I will loose a child.  I will have to bury that child, and I will have to be strong and care for my other two children while all of this is going on, all while recovering from a c-Section.

As thankful as I am for the blessings I do have in my life, I need to grieve this loss in order to move on and be the strong mommy and wife I will have to be in the next few months.  I need to be allowed to do this without being judged or re-directed.

I will cry.  I will complain, and I will ask "why me?" And I will want to talk about this to my friends and family. I'm a talker, and sometimes I think I have a tendency to overshare.  Its just part of my personality that will most likely not change, and sometimes I think it might make some people uncomfortable.

Here is what upsets me - when people want to "fix it".  I know most people mean well when they tell me to "Cast all my burdens on the Lord" and "Stay positive and count your blessings".  I am a Christian, and I pray.  I pray a lot more recently.  I am doing my best to have a relationship with God that will help me get though this.  But its a personal relationship.  I'm not angry at God, but I know he is not going to wave his hand and take this burden away from me.  But that does not mean I have to be excited about the situation.  I am human.  It is unrealistic to expect that I am going to wake up every morning and say "Okay God, so I am not going to feel sad today, I want you to take away all my emotional and physical pain." and then *POOF* all my sadness and physical discomfort goes away.  That's not how it works.

This is not something anyone can fix or give me advice about.  That is not what I need right now.  I need support.  I need to hear "You are right.  This is bad, but you are strong and can get through this".  I need laughter, love and yes, humor.  Lots and lots of humor.

I do not want to hear stories about how things could be worse, or I need to have a better attitude.  Most of all I do not want to be told that the things that I am feeling are wrong.  Feelings can't be wrong.

I do my very very best to have the best attitude that I can have.  Just because I may not be able to maintain that good attitude %100 of the time does not make me weak, or selfish.  It makes me human.  I need to be allowed to be human.